Consider Me

It seems to me
That no matter how much I try
To show people I've changed,
They dredge up my past
And throw it right in my face.
They say with a sardonic laugh, "See,
These things prove that you are crazy!"
They've no time for any explanations,
No time to consider me,
They're too busy filling in strangers
About the way I used to be.
And of course it is never the whole story,
The bad is featured, the good is cut,
And it leaves me full of pain and doubt.
I know I'm not perfect,
Not one person is,
So I wish they would stop
Making me feel like the craziest, worst person on earth.

Impossibles/Improbables

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Twist and turn inside my head
Keeps me up till 1 a.m.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Make me dream of what may never be.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Create chaos in my mind,
Until I cannot find
Any piece, or shred
Of calm in my head.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Cut me off from normal, everyday life,
Till the company of others
Scatter my emotions
Until I think I might break.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Leave my mind!
I beg and plead
For this thing to be!
Calm the rapid waters,
Leave me free.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Will never truly leave.
Wishes, desires
I dare not speak
Come to me in fragmented dreams
And refuse to leave
In the honest, glaring sun of day.

Impossibles,
Improbables,
Do I dare sit and hope?
Do I dare dream of things that may never be?
No answer will come,
Which only leaves,

Impossibles,
Improbables.
In front of me.

Do You Miss Me?

Do you miss me?
Does my face form
Behind your closed eyes?
Does it make you cry?

Do you miss me?
Do you care?
Can you remember
The ghost of my touch,
Or the passion we shared?

Do you miss me?
Do your fingers still trace my form?
Do they remember the way I loved to be touched,
The way to make me squirm?

Do you miss me?
Does it really matter?
Because we both know
Deep down in our hearts,
That if we were to ever be together,
Both of our souls would shatter.

Midnight

The night is dark,
Desolate, empty.
Here is where I find relief
From the mania of day.
Thoughts that continuously race,
So fast, so jumbled, no one can keep pace.
But the night in brooding wonder,
Instills the deepest peace,
Giving up its beauty to me
With the bright stars dotting
The blackened sky,
Or the clouds, wispy,
Floating past the heart of the moon
Reflects the misty shadows of my mind.
I lie awake, dreading the day,
Afraid of the sun,
Ashamed of the flaws and scars
That are so pronounced in light,
But are muted by the dark.
If only I could live in the continuous night,
Where past mistakes have no meaning,
Alone with my thoughts,
Perhaps then the moon’s healing
Will help me face the reality of day.

Impossibility

I am Falling,
Spinning,
Reeling.
I can’t understand these feelings.
Where once I was closed off,
Feeling dead,
I now feel alive instead.
Sunshine and light fill my heart,
Fill my mind,
Just to see your name,
Talk to you until 3 am,
Wondering why if this is so wrong
Does it feel so wonderfully right?
Dreams are so filled with you,
Every night, it’s you,
And I am afraid for them to come true.
I never know what to say or do,
Perhaps one day I will reveal,
This impossible love that I feel.

Memory

I opened my eyes
And opened my heart,
Then suddenly you were there.
Ancient memories flood my brain,
Deeply buried secrets peek their head out again
Blinking in the bright sunlight of Love.

Now we are like a world apart,
You closed your eyes,
Closed your heart
And left me standing out in the cold,
Shivering with betrayal and confusion
Feeling like the broken hearted 13 year old,
Which I assume was your ultimate revenge goal.

I wrap my arms around myself,
Trying desperately to keep hold
Of the shattered pieces of my heart
While they slip through my grasping fingers,
And bloody shards litter the floor.

Friendship gone, lovers gone,
And all that’s left are those ancient memories
I once cheerfully embraced,
But now score my soul like sharpened nails.
The minutes tick by but seem so long,
As I sit with my callously rejected Love,
Wondering when the healing will start.

I am done with everything to do with you,
This pain is tearing me apart,
And I think I will walk away
From the broken mass that was my heart.
I have no more use for it,
Since we are apart.

Numb

I finally saw the light in the gloom,
A ray of sunshine
From the direction of you.
For years I shut my eyes tight,
It was you, always you,
But I was terrified of the bright.
Finally I took courage in hand,
Opened my eyes, and allowed my heart to take flight.
For years I made myself comfortably numb
With wild nights, and shots of rum,
Men and booze, booze and men,
I wanted to forget my pain
Forget my hell, never feel again.
But from you,
My dreams would never let me escape,
For at night I would always see your face.
I took a chance, broke down my walls
And into your arms I allowed myself to fall.
But with a few short words from you, they built back up
With a dagger in my heart and more rum in my cup.
I don’t want to feel this pain,
So I’m gonna numb myself again-
Drown my sorrow, drown my grief
In this open bottle here in front of me.
I’ve learned my lesson, and learned it well.
I know what to do to escape this newfound level of hell.
Don’t worry,
I’ll be alright
Cause you’ll be the last man
I’ll ever allow myself to love.