Numb

I finally saw the light in the gloom,
A ray of sunshine
From the direction of you.
For years I shut my eyes tight,
It was you, always you,
But I was terrified of the bright.
Finally I took courage in hand,
Opened my eyes, and allowed my heart to take flight.
For years I made myself comfortably numb
With wild nights, and shots of rum,
Men and booze, booze and men,
I wanted to forget my pain
Forget my hell, never feel again.
But from you,
My dreams would never let me escape,
For at night I would always see your face.
I took a chance, broke down my walls
And into your arms I allowed myself to fall.
But with a few short words from you, they built back up
With a dagger in my heart and more rum in my cup.
I don’t want to feel this pain,
So I’m gonna numb myself again-
Drown my sorrow, drown my grief
In this open bottle here in front of me.
I’ve learned my lesson, and learned it well.
I know what to do to escape this newfound level of hell.
Don’t worry,
I’ll be alright
Cause you’ll be the last man
I’ll ever allow myself to love.

Untitled 1 (aka Twilight and Stars)

Sometimes life is funny.
It twists and turns until you are stupid dizzy
Then stops,
And watches your response.

Sometimes life is cruel.
It takes your heart and carves it up,
Spreading the pieces far and wide,
While trying to suck your soul dry.

Sometimes life is compassionate.
It hears your wish,
And grants it.
Although, not always like you expect.
You have to work for it,
And give it respect.
But if it is a worthy wish,
Heartfelt when given,
Open your eyes to receive your gift.

The trick to all is an open mind
Open eyes and open heart.
For those who have gone
Never truly depart,
And there is always someone new
On the road ahead of you.

Unspoken Rage

Afraid of the world,
Ashamed of myself,
Wondering why no one listens
When my feelings try to come out.
Hating while laughing
When people smile and say,
That I'm just crazy, wild, and out of control.
They laugh and say that it's okay,
But inside I certainly don't feel that way.
Every word is like a punch to the chest,
Making it impossible to breathe,
Each one as devastating as the last.
I hate the stigma attached to me,
And I wonder if anyone will notice,
If I try and tell them I've changed,
Or if they will just look at me the same.
Is it even worth it
To try and make them see?
Or is wild and crazy
All I'll ever be?

Release

The Love that I feel

Cannot always be contained,

No matter how hard I try.

It always sifts below the surface,

Waiting for It's chance to rise

Waiting for It's chance to cruelly remind.

Oh, how I wish I could snuff It out!

To be rid of It once and for all,

To wipe my soul clean

And erase It’s poor Blemish,

And the unsightly Tarnish It leaves!

I long to disentangle

My Life's thread from yours.

To silence your ghostly voice,

And pull away from your phantom grasp.

In my moments of weakness

I doubt I ever could.

Then Sense kicks in

And knows that given the right chance,

I would.

Dysfunction

They say I’m “Dysfunctional”,

But I don’t know what that really means.

How could I possibly be

Anyone else, but the imperfect me?

Who wants a paragon,

A sweeping tribute to the “Norm”,

Who would never step out of line

Or blur the “Proper” bounds,

Who would shun crazy schemes

And look down their nose

At people like me?

Why can’t I be myself,

With all my flaws

Crazy ideas

Impetuous deeds

And natural Sensuality?

Why must there be a box,
A box they build around me?

What are they afraid of?

I think its envy

Nothing more.

I embody everything they wish they were,

So they try and drag me down

And snuff out my light,

But they won’t succeed without a fight.

Because I am me,

And no one else,

And that is all the truth I’ll ever need.

I Guess

I guess I wasn’t pretty enough,

I guess I wasn’t smart enough,

I guess I simply wasn’t good enough

For the likes of you.

I guess in your mind it all works out,

I guess in my heart I’m plagued with doubt,

I guess from the way you’re acting

Everything is true.

I’ll try to be strong for you,

I’ll try not to carry on,

I’ll try not to think of you

As you shall surely do.

I guess I just don’t understand,

I guess things just aren’t the same,

I guess I shall be moving on,

Perhaps I’ll see you one day.

You may not want to hear this,

You may not even care,

But I just wanted you to know,

That I shall always love you.

No matter how hard I try not to.

That Night

I have never felt so alone,

No one to see the tears in my eyes.

I felt my whole world

Come crashing down

After what you did to me that night.

How could you have hurt me?

How could you make me bleed?

I should have kept saying “no”

I should have pushed you away,

But I didn’t truly believe

That you would use my body that way.

You were supposed to be

The one who loved me.

But after all your pleadings,

And all my refusals

When I finally gave in,

You tore my body, Tore my soul.

I cried myself to sleep that night,

And I still sometimes do,

Because that was the night,

The night I stopped loving you.

Broken Promise

It starts with a promise of friendship:

A promise that this will last

Directly followed by a disappearing act.

An act of trust, a leap of faith,

Only to have it thrown back into my face.

I am tired of these bullshit lies

Of being a convenient whore

Until they find someone else

Because with me they’re bored.

Well, Fuck You.

Not anymore.

I am tired of this fucking game.

As for me,

I’m gonna retreat

I’m gonna cut my losses and run.

And as for you,

I hope you’re satisfied with my pain,

Because you’ll never see my face again.

I Failed You

I came to you “broken”

And saw that you were broken too.

You opened your doors to “fix” me,

And although I agreed, it was because

I saw that it was you I was to save.

I recognized the Thing squatting within you

I shined my light to drive the demon out,

And while it writhed and twisted in pain

You chastised me for being too bright.

I acted the way you expected –

Crazier than you.

I stayed asleep, much easier by far

Than to be awake and see the scars,

The scars that scored your soul

Left from It’s poisoned claws.

I took my leave of you

Bereft of strength and will,

Angry that I couldn’t help.

No matter how hard I tried

I couldn’t get past your stubborn pride.

You couldn’t quite see the saving hand

Kept outstretched and waiting.

But now I’ve gone

And the bond is fading

While you give in to the twisted, blackened thing.

I still hope and pray

Even when others believe It’s there to stay.

I punish myself,

I blame myself

For my complete and utter failure to help.

I failed you my friend,

My love my heart,

I failed to defeat the demon

That is now tearing you apart.

Leave This Mortal Realm

I lie alone on my bed,

My life bleeding from my hand.

No one even bothered to call

To find out what was in my head.

How can you live with bitterness?

How can you live with anger?

Don’t tell me you understand

As my Body turns to dust.

You don’t know,

Cause you didn’t even try.

Nobody even asked,

And it’s my turn to die.

The silent room once full of life

Now only reeks of silent torture

My haunted smile fooled everyone.

You can never live with what you’ve done

The hatred built up so deep inside.

Don’t tell me to be strong

I don’t want to carry on

With the sunlight blocked by the curtains of my soul.

Don’t bother with the lies,

No one can help me now,

And no one really wants to

Everybody's Whore

Lately it seems to me

That I am everybody’s whore

And nobody’s girl,

And I didn’t seem to care.

They call me up with slick tones

And sexy growl,

“Hey baby, whatcha up to?”

And my answer is expected to be

Coyly laughing “Nothing”.

I am everybody’s whore

And nobody’s girl,

And they don’t seem to care.

As soon as passion subsides

They immediately seek my relationship advice.

Except its not me they want to win,

It’s some other girl that’s caught their eye.

I’m everybody’s whore

And nobody’s girl,

And suddenly I seem to care.

This phone of mine continues to ring

And I wonder if I should start to charge,

But I’m tired of being used as a sexual plaything,

I’m everybody’s whore

And nobody’s girl,

And finally I seem care.

But I won’t play this role anymore.

For once I would like to be

Somebody’s girl

And nobody’s whore.

Never Left

You’ve never left.

I see you standing there

In front of me in my mind.

My eyes burn

My heart aches

My hands shake

As I light this cigarette

To try and mute the senses.

I am sick of seeing your disembodied face.

I am tired of hearing your whispered voice.

I’m fed up with feeling your phantom touch

Skim across my skin.

Stay out of my head,

Stay out of my dreams,

Why won’t you just leave?

Why won’t I?

Nothing seems to break this,

Not distance, not time,

Because you’ve never left.

But neither have I.

Remove the Veil

You are fixed on her point.

And I can’t help but wish

To grab your shoulders

And spin you around

I don’t care where you land,

There are so many more who are willing.

You keep saying she is blind,

Well Baby, so are you.

I want to scream in frustration

To shout from the rooftops

To pry off the blinders!

Open you eyes, Open your mind

And finally realize it’s time –

It’s time to stop twisting and turning

Bending and Breaking.

It’s time to just full stop.

It’s time to just Be.